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Putting The Tail On The Campaign Trail

Candidate for the 2024 Presidential Election

By J. Riddle, January 30, 2023

I know this will surprise everyone — Abby, my Shih Tzu, has decided to run for office. She is contemplating throwing her collar into the 2024 election. Having given it a lot of thought, she feels since people believe that the government has gone to the dogs (I only wish), she thinks this is the best time to make her run.

Her campaign slogan will be “A bone in every pot, a hydrant in every yard, and the end of forced neutering.” She wants her platform to be all-inclusive so all species and genders will be considered her voter base.

She has been giving some thought to her cabinet and appointees. The initial nomination as a running mate made by members of the election committee is Mr. Peacock. They feel that the position demands little involvement in government affairs; he would be an ideal representative for Abby at public functions and as a substitute for foreign countries. His big personality, flamboyant confidence of style, and manner are well—suited traits to the Vice President’s office. He would also add panache to the Campaign. However, not all committee members are on board with the choice. Some think he is all show and no go. Abby‘s objection, on the other hand, is more pragmatic. When Mr. Peacock fans his tail feathers, with their impressive six-foot span, he morphs into a giant, and Abby, not a brave sort, runs in terror. That is not a good look for a leader. Abby and the committee are exploring other candidates for a less imposing figure with more substance.

The Secretary of Defense position has been offered to Mr. Pit Bull. His reputation as a scrapper, high intelligence, and powerful and determined nature are ideal qualities for this position. If Mr. Pit Bull does not accept the appointment, another candidate has emerged as a potential replacement. Mr. Rottweiler, with his imposing stature and domineering and aggressive nature, is perfect as a replacement if Mr. Pit Bull decides not to accept. The campaign committee has all agreed to either one for this appointment.

Miss Ferret has been offered the position of Homeland Security Chief. Her expertise in search and discovery through persistent investigation makes her the perfect choice for this vital department. She is in deliberation with committee members at the time of this writing. Mr. Possum would be the perfect appointee as head of the FBI. His knack for feigning indifference to the activities around him would benefit the bureau. However, there is an alternative prospect being considered. Mr. Mole would also be ideal, being used to working underground and in the dark. The committee is in a deadlock as to which one to nominate.

For the head of the CIA, the committee is contemplating offering the post to Ms. Owl. Her determination, perceived wisdom, and ability to identify minute details make her a viable candidate for this bureau. She has not yet accepted the nomination.

Ms. Cat is being considered for a potential Supreme Court seat. The candidate is evaluating the ramifications of such a move on her home life. Her curiosity, no-nonsense attitude, and independent thinking would be an asset to the court.

The Campaign is still in the early stages, and a strategic plan has yet to be formulated.

To be completely transparent with her voter base, Abby would like to disclose that she recently committed a misdemeanor and now has a record on file with the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania Department of Health. There is an extenuating circumstance related to this event, and she wants to inform the voters of all the facts.

A menthol cough drop was dropped on the floor. She believed she was helping when she quickly scarfed it up. To make one point clear, Abby does have a reputation for obtaining illegal contraband when her reconnaissance missions for forbidden morsels are successful. She grabs the tasty bite, slinks off with her tail and head down, and crouches under her stool with her face to the wall and her little round butt sticking out. Thus hidden, she quickly goes to work on her loot. She barely moves her head as she munches away. This is her MO, and her deviation from her normal is apparent.

Now, let’s get back to the infamous incident. She had no more than picked up the cough drop when suddenly; a giant finger was probing her little Shi Tzu mouth. She used the only defense available to her — she bit. What would you have done?

When the bite victim yelled, “she bit me,” Abby had no idea what was happening. She dropped her illegal contraband and stood there dumbfounded as to why someone was yelling. How ungrateful. She was only trying to help. At least, that is what I got from the look on her face.

Abby and I considered minor medical treatment would suffice. However, when the victim, although Abby and 1 believe the perpetrator is more apt, went to Urgent Care, they thought stitches would be required. Still, upon closer examination, it was decided the bite could be glued back together, and a prescription for antibiotics was written. You may think this is the end of the story, but no. The Urgent Care doctors reported her to the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania Department of Health as a “Biter.”

She received the citation from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania yesterday, notifying her that she has been branded a biter in the Commonwealth records and is on probation. No legal action or fines are being accessed on the incident. However, the letter did say not to put the animal down. She was relieved to see the footnote.

Again, she wanted to be transparent about her run-in with the law and its black mark upon her otherwise stellar character.

While on the trail, she plans on running a tail-wagging campaign. However, as Election Day approaches and the underdogs feel threatened, they may attack her by using this incident in a smear campaign.

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