River Roots Redevelopment: When Conversation Connects, cont.

Selina Pedi-Smith,

Founder, Pellere Foundation

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been writing about connection. About choosing it deliberately. About noticing where it already lives. About what happens when conversation actually connects us.

Which naturally raises a question: What happens when the people sitting across from each other are… different? After all, we’re taught to be wary of difference; it’s supposed to be dangerous, a risk to manage, or something to carefully navigate around.

But, here’s something Rachel brought up the other day: on paper, she and I are pretty different. We’ve moved through the world under different conditions, with different labels attached to us at different times. If you went by the descriptions of our lives alone, you’d likely predict a lot of friction.

And yet, there isn’t. There never was. Probably because we didn’t introduce ourselves with our labels, but with our thoughts.

So, we wanted to explore this with you, in a conversation. Let’s see where it goes.

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What do you think people usually mean when they say two people are “really different”?

Many of our differences are perceived or assumed based on a label. Yes, we come from different backgrounds. We’ve had different experiences that shape the way we think, the way we respond, and the things that are important to us. But, when we take the time to get to know someone, we find that we are actually more alike than we originally thought. Not the same, sure, but not nearly as far apart. When we take the time to talk to someone, we can more easily see them as someone we can collaborate with and someone we can care about.

When you get to know someone, does the difference really matter?

I guess the main thing that concerns most people about perceived difference is that last point you mentioned - “things that are important to us.”  I can totally understand people being worried that someone “different” might not assign the same importance to things that are really important to them.  But I also can’t help but think that many differences are more… packaging… than they are existential differences, and people end up arguing over that packaging.  

Now, I know our differences might be relatively mild, in the grand scheme of things.  We’ve found that we have extremely similar values, regardless of how different we look on paper.  But there are people we’ve both come across who just do not seem to jive with us.  Their values don’t seem to align with ours.  How do you handle it when you’re sitting across from someone who feels fundamentally misaligned with you?  

Having different priorities, theoretically, should make us able to make changes across the board, not just in one area. I don’t think we all should be focused on a single set of priorities. Some people prioritize conservation, which is good! Some people prioritize food and housing shortages, which is also good! But when those differing priorities start to be vilified, that’s when we lose our focus, and it makes it a lot harder to make a positive difference.

When someone feels misaligned down to the foundations, that’s harder. I do think that the more you talk to someone, the more likely you are to find that common ground.

But maybe the part that gets missed most often is that…staying connected doesn’t require consensus, and disagreement doesn’t require escalation. Sometimes it just requires restraint. Curiosity. And a willingness to keep a door open even when you know you’re not going to resolve everything. Not every conversation is meant to change minds. You don’t need to leave the conversation on the same page. Some conversations are just meant to keep people human to each other. 

So maybe the question isn’t how we resolve every difference, but how we decide which conversations are worth staying in.

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Rachel Brosnahan is the Community Engagement Coordinator for River Roots Redevelopment. Want to help us rethink what redevelopment can look like—together? Follow the conversation and share your thoughts with us on Facebook and LinkedIn, or reach out directly to rachel@riverrootsredevelopment.org. We’d love to hear from you!